Interview: Ally Spotts, Part 2

If you follow our Twitter, you may have noticed that we retweet a lot of what Ally Spotts writes. We won’t apologize for that, because her posts are always honest and insightful. One of her most frequent topics is relationships, which is why we saved the second part of our interview with Ally for a “love” week.


4word: You often write about relationships on your blog. Based on all that you’ve written, what’s one thing that you think young, professional, Christian women need to know about navigating “the dating scene?”

Ally: I think that, sometimes in the church, young women get that message that we’re doing something wrong. We’re told that we should be available, responsive and receptive and let men pursue us. That’s good advice, but it’s often communicated poorly. What’s that’s missing is that, just because a man’s not pursuing you doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

We professional women tend to be more driven and bold, and what I don’t want us to hear is that we need to change our personalities in order to fit with a man. Just because there isn’t a man interested doesn’t mean that you’re not being submissive or approachable enough. I think God gave you those personality traits for a reason, because He can use them for good, and He will use them in the context of a relationship too.

4word: Why do you think that message is often communicated poorly?

Ally: Like I said, the advice is good, but the part that’s missing is: “be you.” Be who you are. Be honest about yourself. Be in community. Keep becoming the woman God has called you to be and be confident in that. Sometimes, the message communicated to young career women is that your boldness and drive are unattractive to men, and I just don’t think that’s true. I think they’re attractive to certain men.

4word: Do you have personal experience that makes you say that?

Ally: Just read any of my posts about Darrell! In my relationship with him, I have not had to alter who I am in order for him to lead me. He just does, and he has led from the beginning. He even said to me, “Your boldness, your ability to put yourself out there is attractive to me.” That has been so affirming to me, and I wish I could take that affirmation and hand it out to other women to say, “God made you this way for a reason. Don’t try to change who you are.”

4word: When we spoke with Andrea Lucado, she mentioned that she was trying to figure out “the rules” for communicating with guys via texts, tweets, etc. In light of the fact that you met Darrell online, what’s your take on that?

Ally: The way it happened for me was that he always initiated, but I feel like there are really no rules. I would ask women, “are you inviting him into something or is he inviting you?” Because I always felt like Darrell was inviting me into his world, and I could opt in or out. Before him, I would text guys, tweet at them, etc. I think part of that is just putting yourself out there and being available. But again, I would ask, “are you always the one initiating?” As far as the first contact goes, I encourage women to do it. Put yourself out there!

4word: So it’s more of an issue if you are always the one asking first?

Ally: Guys need to know that you’re interested. Once he knows that, he knows what to do with the information. I’ve seen it happen so many times. I’ll watch a friend who is sort of interested in a guy respond a little. He comes back again and again because he gets that sign of a little bit of interest. So if you initiate something, and he doesn’t respond consistently, then I would ask how much he’s really interested in you.


If you’d like to read more on dating and 21st century technology, we recommend Ally’s recent article “A Safe & Healthy Guide to Online Dating” featured in RELEVANT Magazine. You can also find Ally on Twitter, Facebook and, of course, her fabulous blog.