When You Find Out He's Actually Mr. Wrong

Diane has blogged before about the qualities to look for in a husband. But what do you do when you’ve found a guy who possesses those qualities … only to discover months later that he lacks some of the most important ones? Dallas 4word woman Julie has been there, and she sat down to tell us about it.


4word: Tell us how you met your former fiancé. What first attracted you to him?

Julie: Mistake #1 – I met my ex-fiancé out in Uptown Dallas at a bar, which is not the best place to meet a quality person. Mistake #2 – I was attracted to his looks and loyalty (at the time) before I got to know who he really was. It is hard to see someone’s true colors until he’s in a tough situation.

4word: What qualities began to surface that gave you second thoughts about marrying him? How long had you dated when this happened?

Julie: We had very similar beliefs, values and upbringings which helped us grow more fond of one another. The biggest discrepancy – one we overlooked for too long – was that we wanted very different things out of a partner, things neither of us was able to give the other.

I wanted someone to support my desire to have a successful career along with a family, and he wanted someone to dedicate 100% of their time to him and a family, not on a career. I think the physical attraction and similar values caused us to ignore the root of our problems until it was almost too late.

4word: How did you discern whether some of his qualities made marrying him unwise, or were just character imperfections that are part of being human?

Julie: Although I did not call off the engagement – he did – I became very aware of the “real” person behind the curtain. During the last two months we were engaged, I dedicated most of my time to helping my mom battle cancer, helping my dad recover from hip replacement and caring for my grandmother as her health began to fail.

By this time, my fiancé had moved out of town for his job. The distance became a source of conflict, and I realized we had different ideas about where my time and focus should be. When we couldn’t reach agreement on these issues, I started to lose the desire to fight for the relationship, as did he.

4word: Was it a difficult decision to end the relationship?

Julie: I lost a lot of pride through all of it, as well as a best friend. An entire wedding was planned with thousands of dollars invested in it. It was no fun to call everything off. It certainly isn’t a situation I wish on anyone.

4word: To whom did you turn for advice? What would you would like to pass along to readers in a similar situation?

Julie: My family was of course there for me, but my faith in God was my saving grace. I immediately went to church with a good friend and filled myself with His word. I can’t imagine not having my faith to get me through a tough time in life, and my faith is stronger for it.

It saddens me when I see people turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with problems in their lives. It gets you nowhere and ultimately keeps you from becoming a stronger person. With my faith, family and friends, I have not only become a strong person, but I have developed an entirely new appreciation for life and everyone in it. For that, I am grateful. Although heartbreak may feel like it is the end of the world for that moment, time and faith heal all.