Why No Second Dates?


Picture this scene, and maybe it’s one that is familiar to you. A woman is getting ready to go on a date. It’s a first date. She is an extremely capable businesswoman. She is strong. She is assertive. AND like some women, she is nervous and a little insecure about tonight. She wants the date to go well. She’s had several previous first dates that haven’t gone well. And she’s had some she thought went well but there was never a follow-up second date…..so maybe he didn’t think they went well.

Screen Shot 2015-06-22 at 10.49.19 AMSo she meets him for dinner. She is out of her comfort zone and to feel more secure, without even realizing it, she slips into her corporate persona. She is most comfortable in her business environment so in this moment, she holds onto being a strong, capable businesswoman. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, capable businesswoman. But on this first date, the man gets intimidated and scared. He sees that she is strong and assertive. That she is fully capable of taking care of herself and that she doesn’t really NEED him. He runs like a scared rabbit, and the pattern of a first date with no second date continues.

She is left feeling hurt and confused. Why does this keep happening? What is she doing wrong? When will she find a man who won’t be intimidated and scared away? Is there a man out there that will appreciate ALL of her?

Can you relate? Maybe you’re in this stage of life right now. Or maybe you’re not in the first date stage but remember it with a pang of horror or comedy. I certainly remember the frustration and self-doubt. And year after year, and guy after guy, my insecurity only grew. I had one first date pick me up, see my house and my car and ask me, “Who’s house is this?” Let’s just say it went downhill from there. I also dated some guys who wanted a free lunch and those moments were some of the saddest because it doesn’t take long for God to reveal someone’s true heart.

So please know you are not alone. Sadly, these first date situations happen far too often. So what can be done?

Screen Shot 2015-06-22 at 10.48.48 AMFirst, we should remember who we are and whose we are. We are daughters of the Most High God. We are His creation. He cares about us and our wellbeing. We are created in His image. He knows everything about us. He sees our sadness and frustrations, and He understands.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” -Genesis 1:27

Second, let’s remember that God has gifted us with our strengths and abilities. He has blessed us with corporate capabilities. He has given us the ability to speak boldly, to take on great responsibilities in the office, to oversee teams of colleagues, to manage portfolios, to confidently take on new challenges in the corporate world. He has also given us our personalities that we use in the corporate world. The same personalities that we have outside of the office. Our personalities are a strength. It’s one of the greatest parts of who we are. Let’s not question why we are they way we are. Don’t fight our personalities. It’s easy to wish away our assertiveness when we feel like it scares away potential suitors. The main thing is to understand our personalities, focus on our strengths, and determine how to convey them positively.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.”- Romans 12:4

Screen Shot 2015-06-22 at 10.49.10 AMThird, we can have an awareness of how our insecurities affects us. In those moments on the first date, it’s so easy to revert to our most comfortable state. Take a deep breath. Ask God to bring us peace as we go on the date. Understand that our date is also insecure as well and can be easily frightened. Be compassionate towards both our insecurities AND his insecurities.

“For you did not receive a spirit of fear, but you received the spirit of sonship.” -Romans 8: 15

Fourth, let’s be honest. Tell him just how we are feeling. Explain about the previous dates. Give him the respect of open, honest communication. Don’t try to put on the mask and be someone we aren’t either. Let’s just be ourselves.

Finally, let’s remember that although first dates may not always lead to a second date, we should not lower the standards that God has given us for relationships.

Character is always important. If he is not a man of character, do not pursue a relationship with him. Period. God has gifted us with discernment. Use it. Once we see a warning sign, let’s call it a day and move on. Don’t try to force it.

“Bad company corrupts good character.” -1 Corinthians 15:33

Screen Shot 2015-06-22 at 10.49.00 AMDon’t pursue a relationship with a non-believer.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” – 2 Corinthians 6:14

Love is most important. When problems arise, show forgiveness in love.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” – 1 Peter 4:8

Be honest, seek what is right, and show respect.
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” – Romans 12:9-10

Listen to God’s will for you, not the voices from the world.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2
Dating as a single, professional woman can be discouraging. But take heart! We are all treasured, gifted women of God and our value is not dependent on the number of dates we go on. He created us in His image. And He makes NO mistakes.